DON'T "See Ruby Falls"

In an attempt to be festive, we followed the hundreds of signs inviting us to "See Ruby Falls" and "See Lookout Mountain". The signs had been tempting us all throughout Southern Illinois, Kentucky and Tennessee as we made our way down to Atlanta. I remember as a child driving from Illinois to Florida and begging my parents to let us stop. With all those signs, it MUST be something wondrous. My normally fun parents never gave in, and my curiosity had been burning for all these years. But now it was 2009, and I was an adult; the driver of the car, the only parent present, and the one with the ability to make ALL the decisions. Yes, we were going to "SEE RUBY FALLS"!

What they don't tell you is that getting to Ruby Falls is a pain in the ass. You think it's going to be right on the interstate, and then you're tricked into winding through the town of Chattanooga, where, mysteriously, all that great signage kind of disappears. We got lost, and so did the people in line in front of us. Nothing more frustrating than burning through 5-10 extra miles in the wrong direction on an already long trip. I should have taken that as an omen right then and there, but I decided not to give up; we turned around and saw a tiny sign (not like the garish ones which had wooed us there in the first place) and we were on our way once more, climbing up a mountain with unpleasantly narrow switchbacks and drop offs, especially since I was driving Sam's big old SUV which is already too much car for me. We finally got to the top of the mountain, and saw...a huge, packed parking lot! Omen number two, ignored. We were there, gosh darn it, and we were going to see this self-proclaimed wonder in all its glory!

so we walked waaaaaay up this hill. it was hot and zen decided that he didn't want to walk, so i lugged him, the diaper bag, and my purse. then we got to this incredibly long line, but it was kind of like when they set up a line at Six Flags, so you deliberately can't see just HOW long the line is. I had questions: how much is it to get in? Is there a separate fee to see the falls and Look Out Mountain? How long is this line? Where can we get something to drink? I was talking to the family in front of us--they had tried to get answers and also some drinks, but were told that they couldn't enter the gift shop where the drinks were sold until they had purchased their tickets, despite the fact that they had two young, thirsty children with them. Zen needed a diaper change, but I didn't see any restrooms, so I changed him on a bench right there in front of God and everybody. Then I decided to investigate the line, since it didn't seem to have moved in the 10 minutes we had been standing in it.

I found that the line wound quite a distance in front of us (seriously, there were probably, like, 100 people in line), then into the gift shop, where surely every child present would wear their parents down asking for this, that, or the other thing (i just have to quote my cousin chris feeney here--when his kids ask for things, he says, "wish with one hand and shit in the other; see which one fills up faster." hahahahaha) the person in charge said that there was probably about a 2-hour wait. then i found out that our excursion was going to cost over $25 for the 3 of us---and that was just to see the falls! I went back to our place in line and announced to zion and everyone around me, "I refuse to contribute to this. We are leaving."

and so we did. My sister told me later that Ruby Falls isn't even a real "falls" anymore. it's run by a generator, which her friend's husband installed some years back. What a rip off! It seems that my parents might have been wiser than I thought they were at the time. We did take this one picture, though, just to show that we tried our very best.